Flirting, Friends & Faux Pas

FLIRTING, FRIENDS AND FAUX PAS

Seems there is a bit of confusion out there in the dating marketplace about flirting and friendships. It has been a wonderful week and angelfish has had some fascinating conversations and feedback on dates & blossoming romances across the city.
Conversations and deeper thought has arisen from some areas of conjecture. Areas of discussion are inter-related but for the purpose of this blog and your understanding I will cover them separately.
The first – flirting. Okay so we know that it feels good to flirt – and be flirted with. Provided you actually like that person and they don’t creep you out. I actually put in my wedding vows that “I promise to flirt with you and be silly” as we often forget to do this with our partners. But that is a whole other area of discussion. At the moment we are talking early dating. So what came up this week was that one party (happens to be female) expressed the desire for the other party (male) to flirt. This was feedback given to me –and to be passed on the man. Now it seems that not much flirting went on from both sides on the date but somehow it was made known that there was interest. Flirting is an art but it comes naturally to some people, and not to others. I suppose it is always difficult for men to know when to flirt, to get the green light so to speak. My advice would be to be a bit game guys. If in doubt – and you are attracted to and like the woman – make her feel good. Put yourself out there a bit. What’s the worst that can happen? She doesn’t flutter her eye lashes back at you? She doesn’t play with her hair or laugh at your bad joke? In all seriousness the worst that really can happen is that she thinks you are not interested on anything other than a platonic level and puts you in the “friends box”. That’s not a box you really want to be in believe me as it’s really hard to climb out of.

Which leads me to the second conundrum for some this week. When is a date a date and how do you know if you're a friend or potential partner? Now I am all for men & women being friends. The friendships I have with men are so treasured and very insightful. It is also essential to be friends with your partner –and hold out for the physical relationship for a bit (again this is a topic for another blog) but I’m talking about if the lines are blurred and you just don’t know yet. My husband was totally across this subject last night when talking to one of our friends. We were talking about the subject of men and women talking to other men and women about men and women. Are you with me? Stay there – you will get it. I’ll paint the picture and make some names up for you. Okay so Leo asks Elizabeth over for dinner. Elizabeth doesn’t know whether this is for a date or just as friends. Leo’s casual nature is confusing and, whilst she is excited and really looking forward to the date, she just doesn’t know how to classify it or how to act entirely. How should she dress? Should she bring wine? Is it really okay to talk in depth about exes? Leo is a charming and engaging man. Conversation is rich and easy. But he seems to answer her questions by telling Elizabeth about his recent (the night before in fact) dates and questions arising from that. So Elizabeth (herself extremely attractive and intelligent & quite a catch) sees it as quite a blatant fact that she is a friend so then puts Leo in the friend’s box. S’s point last night is that men should, in the company of attractive women, never relegate them to counsellor role if they are single. If they are single and attractive and in your company then to be asked about other women is kind of…. Insulting and confusing. No one likes to feel ignored, is S’s point.

On the other side of the flirting fest though - if you ladies want a man to flirt - then flirt first! It's 2011 and no one is going to condemn you for a subtly suggestive compliment.

Seems to me that people (both sexes) are so afraid of going out on a limb that they are missing vital clues and suggestions that could lead to a very happy and sustainable relationship. There is nothing wrong with flirting or asking questions. Or being the first to say something. It’s the old adage – never regret what you do (unless it’s a crime of course) but what you don’t do.
Carpe diem! And seize it with gusto. Probably best to start with hand holding first though...

Easter Blues?

A lot of people I've spoken to recently are not aware of how the date of Easter Sunday is determined each year.

This year it's exceptionally late. No - Coles & Woolworths don't lobby government bodies and say they need more marketing time. The Easter Bunny doesn't just make random appearances across the country proclaiming kids can now eat chocolate. According to the English book of Common Prayer, "Easter Day is the first Sunday after the full moon which happens upon, or next after the 21st day of March; and if the full moon happens upon a Sunday, Easter Day is the Sunday after."

Why such an odd definition? March 21 is the vernal equinox -- the day on which the length of daylight equals the length of darkness as the days are lengthening in the spring. The traditional Jewish calendar is based on moon phases, which is how the phase of the moon enters into the definition -- when they were determining what day Easter would fall on, they deferred to the Jewish practice of using moon phases to decide the timing of holidays.

Using this method, Easter can only occur between March 22 and April 25.

For some, the lengthier time between Christmas and Easter this year has been a relief. A lot of singles dread the holidays. They are reminded of being single - often. Family get togethers, parties and holidays have to be fronted up alone.

I am so proud of some of my clients. They are tackling the cliche head on and organising holidays & events that embrace being single. Personally I would rather be in Bali with 5 great single friends than having to cook lunch for 10 intoxicated relatives any day but a lot of people just don't see it that way when they are in the single zone.

I'm not accepting any wallows this year. Christmas I will tolerate some sniffles - for 3 hours maximum and only on Christmas morning. Easter is not a time for being depressed however. It is for celebrating new life - and miracles.

So if single - get out of your comfort zone. Do something you have never done before. Go somewhere you've never been before.

A lovely friend of mine told me yesterday that she and her flatmate plan to do something different every week in order to meet someone new. This is a grand plan. It could be something as simple as walking to the shop rather than driving. If I had been driving to the gym instead of walking the day I met my husband it would never have happened & I would have had two less people to buy Easter eggs for this year. It could be sparking up a conversation with the cute guy in line at the servo. It could be going to that film festival instead going to the same pub with the same friends that you have been doing since day dot.

Get out and about. Make like the Easter bunny! And enjoy it -wherever you are or whomever you are with.

This space is a no sook zone. xx

Me & Bridezilla

I'm getting married next weekend. There are butterflies on steroids in my stomach as I write those words. The wedding is bringing out so many conflicting emotions in me. For a bride who was determined not to get stressed I certainly did a good job of it this weekend. The scene in our living room last night was so cliched I would have cringed if it had been a scene on TV. I would have watched it of course, but with mild disdain & a whole lot of superior, "that would never be us"...

Let me paint the picture a little more clearly. Things are coming together pretty well (I have just left my desk briefly to find some wood to touch - am back now) and we have collected some really amazing memories along the way of people offering out of the blue to help and give so generously it has blown us away. Like the guy who offered us his stunning beach front garden to hold the ceremony in. We met him that day & he offered it to us on the spot. Unbelievable! And how I wanted a Bentley - as that will be my new name - and a 1956 convertible Bentley became available to us.. the stories continue..

But last night we still hadn't chosen our menu or locked in the the final details of the catering company's equipment. I was sitting at the computer, sighing heavily, and "placing" items rather heavily down on the desk after use. Then, not receiving the response I was looking for - namely an inquiry into my temporary insanity - I stepped it up a gear. "What are you watching?" came with one of my best eye rolls yet. S was watching the Grand Final of the football(soccer). He explained to me the significance of it in animated and inclusive terms, clearly inviting me to join in the momentous occasion. Not to be drawn in, I accompanied my mouse slamming and Bill Steam Shovel impersonations with the, mother of all man fears, nagging. Encountering an almost out of body experience I listened to myself. I was horrible! Golf and sport, even poor S's commitment to the heavy load of work he has on right now got an absolute bashing. Ridiculous threats of guests starving and pining for an ale at the wedding fell on deaf ears. He was trying to watch the soccer for God's sake.

So what did I do? I sat down and watched one of the most brilliant, nerve-racking and exhilarating spectacles of sport I have watched in a long time. I killed my inner Bridezilla and fist pumped along with the rest of the city. Needless to say the catering organisation got done later that night. And I will not lie and say the conversation didn't get heated at some points..... Bridzilla was apparently not dead - just sleeping.

I am trying to remember that this is not all about next Saturday. That this is the beginning of our married life together. I don't want S to remember a nagging, mean nightmare of a bride. I want to be serene, thoughtful and get back my sense of humour. So I'm using this blog to: 1. Apologise somewhat publicly to my beautiful fiance who is actually being really tolerant & thoughtful but I think also finding it hard to keep his sense of humour and 2. Send a message to all future brides and wives....maintain dignity and sense of self.

That woman I heard and saw last night was a pain in the butt. Late last night and again this morning, I was honest and upfront with her and left nothing to her imagination. She is an unwanted guest in our home..... and she's definitely not invited to the wedding!

Serendipitous Beginnings.....

It's almost a New Year. This is a wonderful time of the year for a lot of people. New beginnings, new hopes, high intentions. Goals set..... One of these for a lot of people is finding a new relationship.

This time last year I was single. I had ended a "nearly there" relationship because it wasn't good for me. I knew what I wanted, I just didn't know how to find it. What I did know is that liking who I was first & foremost was the most important aspect of finding "him". So it was with a spring in my step and music in my ear courtesy of my iphone that I walked to the gym. It was New Year's Eve. I was going to one of my oldest friend's homes that evening. Was taking M - my ten year old son - and hanging out with J & C - and their two adorable girls. I didn't have a date. I was fine with that. I was happy. In love with life. I would have liked to know someone special but I knew that sooner or later I would. It was just a matter of when. But the point is I was comfortable with myself - and excited rather than daunted by my single life.

Then "it" happened. I was wearing my ipod in a pocket device, secured by a velcro strap on my hip. Walking down a hill in Teneriffe my ipod decided to take a journey on its own. Perhaps it was objecting to the Matt Kearney tune I was playing. Or maybe, just maybe some other hand was at play. We will never know. But my ipod went flying. Down, down, down the street - heading straight for the storm water drain. And I was running after it like a crazy woman - calling out "don't go in the drain, don't go in the drain.". It went in the drain. Sitting there trying to retrieve it - once establishing that it was not smashed, I was, I admit, putting in out there that I wanted help. I do not admit to flagging down cars, as S will say I was. But anyway when a 4WD pulled up, reversed and released a cute mid to late 30s guy, with that three day growth look that I liked, I wasn't complaining. He told me he was an engineer and "used to design these things". I was only mildly impressed. I just wanted my phone, I didn't care how he got it. After attempting to unscrew the drain he realised he could just lift it up. I didn't mind. I admit in the time he was taking to assess the drain I was coming to some more conclusions about him. He was cute and he was nice. I had no idea if he was single. In fact I thought he was married. He just kind of looked settled. He looked, I thought, like someones dad. But no - I didn't look for a ring and I didn't see the baby seat in the back of his car. I just went on instinct - and, as usual, it didn't let me down.

As I thanked him for my precious phone and walked away to the gym I can remember thinking that at least he knows which gym I go to. He could always have joined... But he trumped that. He drove across (on the wrong side)the road, beeped his horn and called out to me just as I was about to walk in the door. He was a bit shy and embarrassed (which I liked) and apologised for being "tacky". He asked me "if I was dating anyone" and then gave me his card. It was up to me to call him but I thought as he had gone to a lot of trouble - risking traffic infringement and all - that was the least I could do.

There is more to this story - and I'm willing to tell more - in other blogs if you like. That was the last day of last year. This year has been a good one. S & I moved in together a few months ago and our boys are happy, we hope. It's been an interesting ride - and there are still more to come. I am no longer single - but am equally as excited. I wasn't looking that very moment but I was ready for when it came. That is serendipity. Be ready for the unexpected. And make friends with your iphone.

Moving Pictures

We are moving in two weeks time. I'm savouring my peaceful Sunday serenity and wishing I could bottle it to take out of the cardboard box on moving day. It is going to be hell. There is no way around it. Two houses moving to one. M & I have lived in this apartment for nearly three years. Two years and 9 months if you are wanting specifics. It has been my haven and my salvation. If that sounds dramatic or cliched I apologise, but it's true. I left an unhealthy and unhappy relationship 2 years and 9 months ago and needed to find somewhere where I could be me again. To forge a new relationship with myself and my son. To be independent, and strong, lovely and lovable - again. I feel that I have achieved this. This apartment and I will always be friends. I will drive by and think fond thoughts and laugh at some of the memories, and cringe at some of the others. In growth there are always minor disasters and embarrassing situations. And I am definitely not adverse to them, as my friends will attest.

But it is without regret that I am leaving. Like a good relationship, it has been a mutual decision. Shortly after S & I discussed moving in together, and finding a new place with new energy and space, my apartment started to give me signs. Things started to fall apart. The taps in the bathroom, the cupboards, the dishwasher - all need repairing. M has outgrown his room. My apartment has gently been nudging me to leave its cocoon like status and go out there again. Take a risk. Live with someone you love. Scary? Yes. Comforting? Also. Exciting? Definitely.

But back to the moving. I'm looking forward to the weight loss and muscle tone! Last time I lost 4 kgs and gained definition to my calves that I didn't think possible. I suppose I was mentally stressed and emotionally then though - that is always a weight loss supplement you would find hard to sell. The physical aspect will be there again though. This apartment is on the top level of a brick 70s walk up and there is no lift. S's house has precarious stairs that I'm terrified of killing myself in my high heels every day in - let alone carrying cargo. The new house will be relatively easy at the other end - I hope. Although deciding what goes where will be another issue.

S and I are both Aquarians. In other words, we are both.... opinionated and stubborn. In the most part, we have similar tastes and definitely similar values. Taste in movies are generally fine, TV, humour, food, wine, holidays.... all good. Music we struggle but have some ground.... Some....

But the time bomb is our art. I have this one particular piece that I adore. It is I suppose akin to the way I feel about this apartment. It makes me feel happy, secure and very excited about the future. It is an anchor for me - a reminder of what has come and gone and what's important for the future. S hates it. I can't work out why - but he does. He says it's too pastel. Which is fine - he is entitled to his opinion. Except if it prevents me from bringing it with me. S also has a painting which is a bone of contention. I don't love it - but I will accept it as S bought it at the time of our meeting and it too represents a lot of things. Trouble is that it is fairly abstract to the point of obscurity. It is difficult to know the gender of the couple in an intimate embrace. Luckily S & I believe they are male and female as we are in a heterosexual relationship. Unfortunately we cannot agree on which one is male and which one is female. S keeps trying to convince me of his point of view but he can't and won't. I am quite happy in my viewpoint and feel just as strongly about it as he does. But everyone else we have brought in to try to adjudicate seems to be of the consensus that it is gay porn art - gender debateable.

So we are in the situation where my expensive, beautiful painting that I bought from a female Russian painter's exhibition is in jeopardy. And the loving, sexy, intimate piece bought by S is widely considered to be... well not really representing us? I refuse to fight. Lucky for me I have bargaining power on my side. Gay porn in the bedroom surely equals pastel balloons in the living room.