Monday, April 18, 2011
FLIRTING, FRIENDS AND FAUX PAS
Seems there is a bit of confusion out there in the dating marketplace about flirting and friendships. It has been a wonderful week and angelfish has had some fascinating conversations and feedback on dates & blossoming romances across the city.
Conversations and deeper thought has arisen from some areas of conjecture. Areas of discussion are inter-related but for the purpose of this blog and your understanding I will cover them separately.
The first – flirting. Okay so we know that it feels good to flirt – and be flirted with. Provided you actually like that person and they don’t creep you out. I actually put in my wedding vows that “I promise to flirt with you and be silly” as we often forget to do this with our partners. But that is a whole other area of discussion. At the moment we are talking early dating. So what came up this week was that one party (happens to be female) expressed the desire for the other party (male) to flirt. This was feedback given to me –and to be passed on the man. Now it seems that not much flirting went on from both sides on the date but somehow it was made known that there was interest. Flirting is an art but it comes naturally to some people, and not to others. I suppose it is always difficult for men to know when to flirt, to get the green light so to speak. My advice would be to be a bit game guys. If in doubt – and you are attracted to and like the woman – make her feel good. Put yourself out there a bit. What’s the worst that can happen? She doesn’t flutter her eye lashes back at you? She doesn’t play with her hair or laugh at your bad joke? In all seriousness the worst that really can happen is that she thinks you are not interested on anything other than a platonic level and puts you in the “friends box”. That’s not a box you really want to be in believe me as it’s really hard to climb out of.
Which leads me to the second conundrum for some this week. When is a date a date and how do you know if you're a friend or potential partner? Now I am all for men & women being friends. The friendships I have with men are so treasured and very insightful. It is also essential to be friends with your partner –and hold out for the physical relationship for a bit (again this is a topic for another blog) but I’m talking about if the lines are blurred and you just don’t know yet. My husband was totally across this subject last night when talking to one of our friends. We were talking about the subject of men and women talking to other men and women about men and women. Are you with me? Stay there – you will get it. I’ll paint the picture and make some names up for you. Okay so Leo asks Elizabeth over for dinner. Elizabeth doesn’t know whether this is for a date or just as friends. Leo’s casual nature is confusing and, whilst she is excited and really looking forward to the date, she just doesn’t know how to classify it or how to act entirely. How should she dress? Should she bring wine? Is it really okay to talk in depth about exes? Leo is a charming and engaging man. Conversation is rich and easy. But he seems to answer her questions by telling Elizabeth about his recent (the night before in fact) dates and questions arising from that. So Elizabeth (herself extremely attractive and intelligent & quite a catch) sees it as quite a blatant fact that she is a friend so then puts Leo in the friend’s box. S’s point last night is that men should, in the company of attractive women, never relegate them to counsellor role if they are single. If they are single and attractive and in your company then to be asked about other women is kind of…. Insulting and confusing. No one likes to feel ignored, is S’s point.
On the other side of the flirting fest though - if you ladies want a man to flirt - then flirt first! It's 2011 and no one is going to condemn you for a subtly suggestive compliment.
Seems to me that people (both sexes) are so afraid of going out on a limb that they are missing vital clues and suggestions that could lead to a very happy and sustainable relationship. There is nothing wrong with flirting or asking questions. Or being the first to say something. It’s the old adage – never regret what you do (unless it’s a crime of course) but what you don’t do.
Carpe diem! And seize it with gusto. Probably best to start with hand holding first though...
Posted by Janie Bentley at 1:45 PM
Monday, April 11, 2011
A lot of people I've spoken to recently are not aware of how the date of Easter Sunday is determined each year.
This year it's exceptionally late. No - Coles & Woolworths don't lobby government bodies and say they need more marketing time. The Easter Bunny doesn't just make random appearances across the country proclaiming kids can now eat chocolate. According to the English book of Common Prayer, "Easter Day is the first Sunday after the full moon which happens upon, or next after the 21st day of March; and if the full moon happens upon a Sunday, Easter Day is the Sunday after."
Why such an odd definition? March 21 is the vernal equinox -- the day on which the length of daylight equals the length of darkness as the days are lengthening in the spring. The traditional Jewish calendar is based on moon phases, which is how the phase of the moon enters into the definition -- when they were determining what day Easter would fall on, they deferred to the Jewish practice of using moon phases to decide the timing of holidays.
Using this method, Easter can only occur between March 22 and April 25.
For some, the lengthier time between Christmas and Easter this year has been a relief. A lot of singles dread the holidays. They are reminded of being single - often. Family get togethers, parties and holidays have to be fronted up alone.
I am so proud of some of my clients. They are tackling the cliche head on and organising holidays & events that embrace being single. Personally I would rather be in Bali with 5 great single friends than having to cook lunch for 10 intoxicated relatives any day but a lot of people just don't see it that way when they are in the single zone.
I'm not accepting any wallows this year. Christmas I will tolerate some sniffles - for 3 hours maximum and only on Christmas morning. Easter is not a time for being depressed however. It is for celebrating new life - and miracles.
So if single - get out of your comfort zone. Do something you have never done before. Go somewhere you've never been before.
A lovely friend of mine told me yesterday that she and her flatmate plan to do something different every week in order to meet someone new. This is a grand plan. It could be something as simple as walking to the shop rather than driving. If I had been driving to the gym instead of walking the day I met my husband it would never have happened & I would have had two less people to buy Easter eggs for this year. It could be sparking up a conversation with the cute guy in line at the servo. It could be going to that film festival instead going to the same pub with the same friends that you have been doing since day dot.
Get out and about. Make like the Easter bunny! And enjoy it -wherever you are or whomever you are with.
This space is a no sook zone. xx
Posted by Janie Bentley at 3:55 PM