Saturday, May 21, 2011

Swallowing razor sharp, massive, gigantic pills. Ms Morissette my mouth is clearly bigger than yours.

Sometimes it’s not enough to have a “a good heart’. I’ve been told I have a good heart so many times in my life….. If I had a dollar… blah, blah, blah….I’d own homes in Point Piper, Manhattan & Lake Como (all very realistic goals for me at this point in life of course). But sadly, sometimes this statement comes with a “but” at the end of it. Because, equally sadly, I stuff up. I say too much. Or things I don’t mean. I have inherited a bad mouth gene. No – I don’t gutter talk (oh well okay sometimes I swear a bit but that’s not what I mean) I mean I say things that hurt people and can’t take them back.

For someone who believes in the power of language it is really difficult for me to hear things that I have said to other people that will remain with them forever. I get on my high horse and, especially under the influence of alcohol (which is a whole other story in itself) I shout down from that horse words that are often over dramatized and well – just plain untrue.

It’s taking a lot to write this blog. Its one thing to admit you are wrong – and another to make it public – but I feel that I should and I want to. I found out today I said something to a very dear friend of mine at our Christmas party (the worst night of my life incidentally) that I don’t even mean or think. I was questioning her judgement and, looking back, I clearly had no right. I don’t want to be cryptic nor do I want to give too much away for the sake of my friend – but needless to say I hurt her. And it has taken her until now to tell me. I am so glad she did as it comes in a week of reflection and fixing mistakes. Not all of mine – but in what I do – the buck basically stops with me. If one of my clients behaves badly – it reflects on me and the business. I care deeply about my clients and people in general so I will go into major protection mode to make sure that happens.

Instinct is a huge flag that is often waving in our faces wildly but we choose to grab it, wrap it up, and put it away in the cupboard, knowing all the while, we should be hoisting it up that flag pole and giving it the respect and acknowledgement it deserves. Compromised principles are my kryptonite. They eat away at me and torment me. I have been having trouble sleeping properly wrestling with an issue that I am hopefully resolving, through the help of my amazing and wise and tolerant husband.

With regards to myself I am working through some things about me that in the past I found it hard to face – let alone resolve. Not making excuses for myself is the first lesson. The second is saying “fix it”. Don’t drink so much if you are going to hurt people when you do it. It’s fun for a while but then it’s just boring. The apostles put water with their wine for a reason I guess. Again – hard things for me to be writing about here – but I’m doing so in the knowledge that I am rarely a hypocrite. No longer am I just going to go through life meaning well. What I said to my friend at the Christmas party wasn’t living well. It was thoughtless because I wasn’t thinking. Thought and rationality had gone home when it was clear that I should have.

My friend was gracious and lovely and worked it through herself & had already forgiven me by the time we caught up. But it will be a lot longer till I ever forgive myself. And I’m going to use this as another example of ways I need to grow and change and heal.
As for my badly behaved client– well I guess they will only change if they think what they are doing is bad. It is just up to me not to tolerate and accept that behaviour in my business.
I can only control what is in my grasp. And being the best person I can be. So big, massive pills for me to swallow this week – guess they fit in easily into my big mouth.


  1. "Thought and rationality had gone home when it was clear that I should have." - Well my dear Ms Janie you certainly wont be the first or the last to have to swallow those big pills!

    I know I have had the same epiphany upon opening my eyes in the fog of the morning after the night before. suddenly plunged into the hangover abyss and that horrible realisation of some of the things you may have said , your head is pounding and now you can let the self loathing begin! Oh the joys of the social lubricant. 24 hours later and after much sleep and re-hydration the memories of the abyss fade, and undoubtedly as a human you will find yourself back on a Friday night , champers in hand and a confident sense of ones owns ability to be the delphic oracle on any or all matters at hand.

    Dear Janie, its a brave blogger to bring the abyss to bear, but don't be too hard on yourself. Your lovely friend obviously knows, as we all do, that you would never intentionally hurt anyone with your words - she's forgiven you so make sure you forgive you too!

    I dare say there are few souls who wouldn't be judged as guilty for the same wine crime!

    L xx

  2. hehehe hence why i now dont drink ;) x x x
    Nice one being brave and sharing this with the world. Now let the answers and lessons come to you.Breathe and enjoy the process. Love and Love HS.