Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Modern Fairytale (The Cinderella Model)
In my work I’m often astounded by what I see & hear goes on in the dating world. Clients recounting their stories to me can induce a range of emotions – bewilderment, empathy, second hand grief, amusement or embarrassment. What I always try to do is get two sides of the story (because except for the most blatant cases of abuse or wrong doing) there are always two sides - if not four or five...
I decided early on in the conception stages of my business that I was only going to accept clients that can truly contribute to a relationship as they are in a good and healthy relationship with themselves. Or if they were not – I would help them get there before I introduce them to a potential partner. It is only fair to the other party – and (this takes some convincing) to themselves. I tell my clients to look in the mirror and if they truly like what they see – then that is what is projected out to the world. If they look in the mirror and see someone who is; depressed, out of shape & not doing anything about it, miserable, needy, anxious, bitter, reliant on drugs or alcohol or in denial, then that is what other people will see – eventually even if not straight away.
Often the scariest part of embarking on a new relationship is being truly honest with ourselves. We can’t lie to ourselves for long. We try but it doesn’t cut it in the actual reality of our lives. Living real takes courage and commitment. And the rewards are there in spades if we can truly do it. This is not something we do once, but every day. If that sounds like hard work – it depends on how far back you have to go. Running a marathon is impossible for someone who hasn’t run further than the bathroom in the past year. It’s a lot easier for someone who has put in training every day.
It is such an uplifting and amazing feeling when I meet men and women alike who truly like themselves and are in healthy and real relationships with themselves. They set the bar high – and I tell them they have to – for other people (potential partners) because they can. Realistic high markers I call them, and I encourage that. What I don’t condone (and concede I can’t help) are the unrealistic markers who seem to need another person to lift them to a status that is neither possible nor healthy. There are many examples of this. What I’m exploring today are the men who are intent on finding a princess but are not prepared to accept the everyday woman. And the woman who cannot accept the fact that even Cinderella (the most famous princess of all, in my book anyway) was first introduced to the world in rags and working out with a mop & bucket.
Cinderella is a pretty cool chick, if you think about it. First of all – she wasn’t a victim. Several accounts of her have us believe that she sings while she does the housework and, instead of feeling sorry for herself around her horrific sisters, she just gets on with the job. I like to believe that Cinders had the self-belief and knowledge to know that if you truly like who you are, work hard on yourself (can you imagine her abs from all that floor scrubbing? Or her inner strength from all the silent mantras she had to repeat daily?) you can overcome any circumstances and rise up to happiness & an amazing life.
I’m not advocating – waiting on a Prince Charming to save you. Far from it. Cinders saved herself. She didn’t balk at the prospect of going to the ball. She accepted help from those she needed to get herself there (outsource people, outsource) and had the inner confidence to strut it out on the dance floor and wow her prince.
The other big tip here ladies is that she adhered to a curfew. The midnight call is a great one to remember. Her prince was left charmed, intrigued and still in pursuit. What if she’d said “Stuff it! I’m probably never going to see this man again and I’m enjoying this never ending supply of vodka & orange too much. I’m staying” and woken up in her dirty work clothes with a shocking hangover and regret. She possesses a bit of a slutty side – which is great when in a relationship (lucky Prince of Charm) but, like all good things, is desired more if given in increments – rather than all at once. If she’d let the coach turn into a pumpkin and had no ride home her prince wouldn’t exactly be going the length and breadth of the land to find her. She was right there in front of him – along with her vomit bucket. You hear what I’m saying here girls don’t you? Go home! And wait for him to call you. Because he will. If he likes you. And if you like you. And if he doesn’t then he’s not your prince. He’s still out there. You just have to believe it. Keep the bar raised. The right man will not make you lower it.
And guys – when Prince Charming did go out in search of the lovely, enchanting, sexy woman he met the night before, he found her. She didn’t look the same as the night before. She was wearing some god awful house dress. But he could still see the lovely, enchanting, sexy woman underneath, despite her lack of trimmings. He didn’t need all that to know that the essence of her was fantastic and he couldn’t wait to get to know this down to earth chick as well as the mythical creature he’d been dreaming about since she left him. He knows that life (he comes from a very practical kingdom where his parents taught him to look after himself and not take advantage of privilege) is not always a fairy tale. And that Cinders will probably piss him off no end (her singing is actually really bad and she insists on staying in touch with those bitches of sisters) sometimes but he loves that part of her too. She’s real. But, just remember - she still needs to get dressed up for the ball every now and then…..
Posted by Janie Bentley at 12:26 PM